Communication and Problem-Solving

In every relationship we have, whether with a friend, a coworker, a boss, a boyfriend/girlfriend, or a spouse, the way we communicate and solve our problems is important. According to Yellin Law, 65% of people said that communication issues were at the top of their list of reasons for divorce. A related conflict was the couple's inability to work together to problem solve and resolve conflict with 43% of people putting it as number 2 on their list. With this being such a big issue, I wanted to talk today about how we can better communicate and problem-solve in our relationships. One of the best things we can do for our relationships is learn to communicate. The first part of communicating that is important is learning how to listen. Three types of listening are reflective, empathic, and active. In reflective listening, the listener tries to understand what the person is saying by clarifying and restating what is being said. This method helps increase the listener's understanding of the person speaking and can help the speaker clarify his thoughts. In empathic listening, you are showing the speaker that you care about them, their thoughts and feelings, and you are willing to listen to them. You might use phrases such as "Thank you for trusting me with this information," or "I am sorry you are going through that, it must be so hard." This helps you to empathize with the speaker and helps them feel heard. Active listening is giving the speaker your full attention, using body language to show you are listening, seeking understanding, and providing feedback. Another aspect of communication is effectively expressing yourself. In order to do this, you must first understand your feelings. After you understand what you are feeling or trying to communicate, do so in a clear and calm manner using "I feel..." statements to not blame or point fingers. There will be different times that require us to use different methods of listening. Sometimes your partner needs advice, sometimes they just need listened to or validated. If you aren't sure which one they need, it can never hurt to ask! In our marriage and in our relationships, we are bound to have problems that need to be figured out together so it is important that we also learn how to problem-solve. The first step of effective problem-solving is to identify or define what the issue is. Make sure you both clearly understand what problem needs solving. If this is unclear, it can be difficult to come to a solution that works for both people. After you have identified the issue, both need to agree to work through it. Solving problems with someone cannot be a one sided thing. Both sides have to be willing to be humble, listen, and communicate. After you have agreed to work through it, you must identify the wants for yourself, for others, and for you and them together. Then, you can brainstorm ideas that may solve your problem. Make sure to take into consideration the wants and needs of your partner as well as your own. Then, try out the plan and come together later to evaluate the plan. If the plan needs revised, then start back at the beginning with identifying the issue. Evaluate why your plan didn't work and what needs to change. While trying to solve problems, using the effective communication skills discussed above is so important. Occasional conflict is normal, problems will arise that need to be solved, and no relationship is perfect. When these things happen, it can be easy to want to give up, but giving up doesn't make things easier. We must be willing to work through things with our partners. As we use these tools to effectively communicate and solve problems that arise, we can have strong healthy relationships with those around us!