After Marriage: A Guide to Healthy and Joyful Physical Intimacy

intro: After marriage, physical intimacy between a man and a woman can be a difficult thing. Before marriage, we may have expectations of what our sex life will be like with our spouse, and those expectations are rarely met. In this blog post, I wanted to go over some of the differences between men and women when it comes to physical intimacy, the differences between unhealthy sex and healthy sex in marriage, and some ways to improve your intimate relationship with your spouse. Differences Between Men and Women When you are newly married, it can be tricky to navigate your newfound sexual life. What makes it even harder, is naturally we already have some things that are different between us and our spouse that we have to work through and figure out. The first thing that is different is the cycles of a woman's and a man's sex drive. For a woman, libido often changes with a menstrual cycle. During ovulation, a woman's sex drive matches a man's but throughout other phases of her cycle, the sex drive is different. Another difference is the response cycle. A man's response to arousal is a bit more simple than a woman's. A man's response includes excitement, peak, score, and return to normal but the emotions during a woman's sexual intercourse are quite complex and not necessarily as progressive as a man's. Unhealthy vs. Healthy Sex in Marriage Despite the different challenges that may occur at the beginning of marriage, it is possible to have a healthy and joyful sexual life! In a book called, "The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography" Wendy and Larry Maltz, the writers of the book, compiled a list of 20 characteristics of healthy and unhealthy sexuality. I would highly recommend looking at the whole list but I wanted to just go other a few that I found to be important. 1) Affection for its own sake vs. Affection only leading to sex Healthy: Affection for its own sake outside of lovemaking. Unhealthy: Non-sexual affection only as a precursor to sex. I think this one is very important for a healthy marriage and sexual life. In our marriage, nonsexual affection is just as important as sexual affection and it is important that nonsexual affection isn't turned into something that is just to promote sexual affection. 2) Fully present and engaged vs. Detached and passive Healthy: Fully present and engaged – mentally, emotionally, and physically. Unhealthy: Detached mentally and emotionally; passive; mechanical; fantasizing about someone other than your spouse; fantasizing about other acts. Oftentimes, unhealthy sexual interactions include passively going through the motions rather than striving to build a deeper connection. Being fully present would include completely focusing on each other and the pleasure you are giving our receiving. 3) Connection-based vs. Performance-based Healthy: Connection-based, focused on the person; focused on connection; “good enough sex” Unhealthy: Performance-based; focused on physical acts and/or on the outcome; climax, efficiency, performance, or perfection focused. Having a healthy sex life is more than just orgasms and overfocusing on performance can cause issues. As humans, we have ups and downs and learn as we go and as we work together with our partner to learn and grow together, then our "good enough" sex can actually become good enough. 4) Open and honest vs. Secretive Healthy: Open; honest; vulnerable; transparent—to fully see and be seen. Unhealthy: Secretive; hidden; withholding full self. Open and clear communication is important for a healthy marriage and healthy sex life. Secrets of any kind can be very harmful to a marriage. Being open and honest sometimes requires us to be more vulnerable but it is very important. In conclusion, these are just a few of the points that stuck out to me. As we try to work together with our spouse to figure things out, it may seem difficult at first. But I know that as we strive to continue to learn and understand each other, we can make it work and can have a healthy and joyful sexual life.